Plans for the Future

When one's significant other adopts the status of impregnation, one tends to reflect in ways that are not necessarily common to his nature.  In some cases this takes the form of planning for the future.  I have compiled a list of things to be accomplished by my offspring in chronological order.  Assuming I do not perish in childbirth or the assistance thereof, I will provide this list to the little growth upon its ingression.  I may return to the subject after further reflection, but as my mood stands, the chemical depository must:

1. Speak in full sentences before it can walk
2. Swim at least 2 legal strokes before it is weaned
3. Sleep 8 hours a night or learn to cry "mama", not "aaah"
   
4. Recognize the difference between a trope and a theme before it recognizes the difference between milk and juice
5. Learn to read before it learns to change the channel
6. Potty train itself by age 1
7. Know how to mix a good drink or to open a beer
8. Select an appropriate mate
9. Select an appropriate pre-school with fast-track liberal arts focus and college choices posted on the wall
10. Learn to fail in appropriate circumstances so as to undermine and disguise its inherent genius
11. Learn to cheat only when it already knows the answers, but has more important things to do in life than simple mathematics or scientific equations
12. Learn to appreciate the plight of the lunch-lady, yet despise her insolent ungratefulness
13. Stay out of petty arguments by means of erudite sarcasm cleverly disguised as "pussying out"
14. Know the appropriate moment in which to establish dominance in social situations
15. Graduate Kindergarten in the middle of the class
16. Read every book in the house before getting a new one from the Library
17. Be able to adequately explain in concise detail the central purpose of any book or be forced to read it again
18. Spend all of second grade in silence and learn the distinction between false humility and vain conceit
19. Successfully accomplish the requirements for the USA Junior National Team
20. Describe in detail the intricate relationship between Farmer and Samurai in Kurosawa's films
21. Build a little empire out of some crazy garbage called the blood of the exploited working class.
22. Skip fourth grade
23. Learn not to ask why everyone else is so slow to realize that it is indeed the rightful ruler of the world out loud
24. Spend the next twelve years in college studying and appreciating the minute pleasures of life.

By this time, the brood will be of age and wisdom enough to return to its mate and determine its path of success.  At this point it will have many options:

1. Become the first great American author
2. Write an exposition of the modern English language that reveals how inferior it is in comparison to modern Russian
3. Win 9 Gold medals at the Olympic games
4. Become a hermit
5. Birth a child
6. Take over the world
7. Destroy the world

Any final realization, or all of them, is acceptable.